Doctor Who at Newton's laws of television


by Matthew Newton

There are obviously not enough words in the English language and there are lots and lots or words which do nothing other than hang around on the end credits of Doctor Who, so taking our lead from a regular feature which used to appear in the British newspaper "The Guardian", here at Newton's Laws of Television we present a new set of words that will hopefully soon be appearing in a future edition of the Oxford English Dictionary...

KEY: nn - noun, vb - verb, adj - adjective, adv - adverb, hmstr - small furry creaure often kept as a pet.

BIDMEAD. nn; a scientific concept that is particularly difficult to understand.

BRIERLEY. nn; a poor replacement., eg. a coathanger that is used as a car aerial after the original has been vandalised may be termed a brierley.

COURTNEY. nn; oft-told story.

FIELDING. nn; one who is frequenty nicolaed (qv).

HARTNELL. vb; to frequently forget.

FRAZER. nn; one who defies the passage of time by not changing or aging over long periods of time. Patrick Macnee is a famous frazer.

KATY. adj; small but perfectly formed, eg. "The baby's fingers are just so katy!"

HOWELL. nn (musical); a weird electronic screech, often heard in 80s synthesiser pop music (this word's origin is of course as a distorted form of howl).

LAMBLE. vb; to overuse a joke to the point where it is no longer funny. eg. "Don't you think that The Fast Show totally lambled the "Suits You" routine?"

NATHAN. vb; to overstay one's welcome. eg. "Richard really nathaned when he came round on Saturday night".

NICOLA. vb; to tastelessly exploit a female. eg. "Don't you think that Sarah Sutton was nicolaed when she had to remove her skirt in Terminus?"

PICARD. vb; to wander briefly off the point.

PIPANDJANE. adj, vulgar; awful, terrible, unpopular or looked down upon. Alternative usage as a noun meaning one who writes completely prepostorous prose in the construction of a person to person dialogue in a narrative television context. The antonym to this usage is a holmes, which is not given in this dictionary due to its very rare usage.

PLATT. adj; initially strange and surreal, but clearer on closer observation, eg. a Magic Eye picture could be described as platt.

POWELL. nn. This entry is unfortunately unavailable due to its obscene nature.

SAWARD. nn; a hideous, bloody death. eg. "The main reason that I loved the Nightmare on Elm Street films was because they were full of sawards".

WYATT. adj; strange, surreal.

Originally published in Think Tank issue 28 (Summer 1995).

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